Body Image

I don’t know why this came up in my brain, but I was thinking about body image last night. Most specifically about mine.

I have a not so great body image in general. It’s alright when I look at how I look with clothes on. I can see that I have lost weight and am in a pretty healthy range and clothes that I couldn’t fit into a year ago are fitting well, even baggy today.

I kind of feel like maybe I look something like this woman below. Maybe a little bit chunkier in the butt/thighs, but still within tolerable limits.

This gal looks healthy, she looks fit, and still has some curves and maintains that “I am a woman and I don’t need to do anything besides just be me for you to see it,” sort of appeal that I have to take advantage because I’m just lazy when it comes to anything but the most basic hygiene/grooming maintenance. I have curves, I’m very aware of my curves and I’m much more comfortable showing them off than what I was six months ago.

However, this is how I feel I look when I do not have any clothes (or only a swimsuit/underwear) on:

I’m not saying that the gal above has a bad body. I know many people would love to look like that. It’s just that there is a difference between her and the gal above and I don’t know why I can look at myself in the mirror and feel one way when I am covered with fabric, even well fitting clothing, and in less than 2 minutes completely change my opinion. I look and can’t help but think that I need to tone a lot more here, lose fat there and can’t stand the way my thighs or ass looks. I no longer feel satisfied with my 25lbs. weight loss since October of 2011. I feel like I should aim for another 5-10lbs and maybe then my thighs will look like they’re “supposed to” and my stomach will be a little flatter…

The worst part is that this line of thinking makes me feel guilty for having such shallow thoughts. Why should it matter what I look like? It’s not going to change who I am and what I do… it shouldn’t change other people’s perception of me. But I know that there are studies that prove that it does and that it is something I should care about at least a wee bit. But then I feel like I am going against another part of my internal values which say I shouldn’t care and shouldn’t pay attention and then I get stuck in this cycle of circular thinking.

I really don’t know how to get out of this process at this time. I don’t even know if I could or would follow any suggestions or things I could work on. Which sort of makes this entire thing worse, because I’m aware of a “problem” but am unwilling to work on it. So I guess I’m somewhere between pre-contemplative and contemplative?

Oh well. Sometime in the future I’ll start working on this. Until then I’ll just have to deal with it or avoid looking at myself before/after showers.

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One thought on “Body Image

  1. Reblogged this on justtae and commented:
    Alright I think this chick is preaching to the choir. What girl doesn’t have these thoughts once in a while…or better yet, who doesn’t feel guilty for having these thoughts? Bottom line is, if you feel like YOU want to look a certain way, for YOU, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about it…unless of course, it is unhealthy and you are just in denial. That’s another thing though too — denial. A lot of women are in denial. They think they are too fat or too skinny (although it is getting hard to find people that think they are too skinny!). Medically, there is a healthy weight for everyone. And this should be everyone’s (men and women) first priority. Health is what matters the most. Outward appearance reflects the inward. So, if you have bad, unhealthy habits, your body will reflect this. But feeling guilty because you have a little bit more fat on your things than the girl sitting next to you is silly. Yes, I understand the feeling, and then you want to smack yourself after you have that thought of, “oh i wish i had her legs”…but then you think, oh I shouldn’t say that…but then you still want it. It is an unhealthy cycle that just keeps on going. And the only way to stop it is to accept yourself. And the way to accept yourself is to figure out what makes YOU happy. I wish EVERYONE luck in finding their true happiness and wish that they will find peace with themselves. It is pretty damn hard, especially now-a-days. Believe me, I have been going through this cycle my whole life!

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