Conflict and why it sucks

Let me front all of this with a few things first. I hate conflict. I avoid it at all costs. It is physically and mentally painful and I carry guilt and feelings of failure for days, if not weeks. I am, at the same time, deeply protective of things, big idea, big concepts, big causes, that are important to me. The particular thing that started this whole post was related to a discussion, or something that vaguely resembled a discussion, about rape, rape culture and stupid people writing letters to authors. This is a topic I am passionate about. Even that may be too weak a word for how I feel about it and the need to breakdown the naievity that propagates and encourages rape/rape culture. For further understanding, I should also point out I’m an INFP, which is basically short hand in Jungian or Myers-Briggs personality typing for what is written above. A quote I found on a personality description website (www.personalitypage.com/INFP.htm) sums up what happened last night. ” INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause.” though here they described it as something heroic. Last night it was just bad. My biggest problem right now is that I’m in recovery mode. I’m upset, I feel guilty and I feel like I was wrong, oh so very wrong, in what I did and how I reacted. I also feel like it could have been much worse. As soon as I had realized that I was not just discussing something, but raising my voice and was unable to line my thoughts up in a coherent order I knew I needed to leave. I didn’t give any warning though. I just said I needed to go away and left. I didn’t go far, just to the bedroom, but it was enough that Nathan didn’t feel like he could come in. He fell asleep on the couch until I woke up at 245 and pulled him to the bedroom. I feel bad for the fact that he didn’t feel safe enough to come to the bedroom even just to check if it was cool to be in the same room. I may have been a bit abrupt and would not have spoken much, but I never would want him to sleep elsewhere just because I needed a bit of space. That’s what cars are for. I guess that is adding to the guilt. I have tried a few round-a-bout ways to see if he wants to talk or process what happened last night. Not the actual reason for me getting upset, but what happened, why, the fallout, the results and what can be done in the future. But the impression I’m getting is that he’s kinda confused but doesn’t really want to rehash anything. I kind of need something, but feel guilty enough for causing it all that I can’t actually say anything further about it. Ugh. I’m something of a mess right now. I apologize for the disorganized post and thinking and not so pleasant topic. I’m going off to bed in hopes I’ll feel better in the morning. Please excuse typos and bad grammar. I’m not sure what autocorrect on my phone does sometimes, but it really doesn’t like what I write or my style. Thanks for reading my whining. Oh, if you come to this one from fb, I’d appreciate any comments or feedback being left here rather than fb. Thanks.

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2 thoughts on “Conflict and why it sucks

  1. Do you feel better? Did venting here help? I’m trying to think of a reply that doesn’t degenerate into my usual hyper-analytical assessment of what I might have done or similar situations I have been in. I hope you guys are feeling better after some sleep.

    • I feel slightly better today. Venting here helped in that it was out of my head, but I still feel off. It always takes a few days for me to “recover” from feeling something so strongly negative. I think Nathan is fine, I don’t know that it was a huge deal for him like what it was for me. I wouldn’t mind seeing an assessment or even what you feel you would have done. It’s actually helpful to hear those sort of opinions or assessments.

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