I normally don’t post twice in the same day. But, this is a new blog and I’m still bored and recovering from getting my tonsils removed so hopefully you can forgive me. I’m going to share with you a bit of the conversation I had a few days ago that made realize that I really do need to start writing again, if for no other reason than to help siphon some of the crazy intense emotions I have taken hostage in my heart and head.
“Do you believe in true love or Soul-mates?”
“Well, I found you, didn’t I?”
Now, I’ve had this conversation with my fiance in the past and so his answer is not precisely new to me. It’s just that when he answers that way to that particular question it sends the most delicious sparks traveling all along my nervous system and fire through my veins. Yes, I know that’s a metaphor, yadda yadda yadda, however, when I feel the sudden increase in energy and heat in my body, I cannot help but use those metaphors as descriptors and hope that a reader will realize they’re more than just a few words typed across a page.
You see, my fiance is a fairly practical man who has had his heart broken several different ways in the last four years. He was previously engaged and it was ended because she had an epiphany that he would hold her back from realizing her potential of becoming a neurosurgeon. (Um, the man in question was working on masters degree and had just recently graduated only 1 semester late from CSM with a double-bachelors in two separate engineering fields and the only reason he was late at all was because he had been required by the Army to change around classes for a cancelled deployment. He did all that while working full time jobs and paying his own rent and tuition and everything. How in the world would he have held anyone back from getting an education?) His father had passed away from throat cancer, his older brother was using his family to support his drug and alcohol habit as well as involuntary resources for income while he was in various half-way homes, and he had heard over and over that he was a really great guy, but that he just wasn’t the kind of guy that girls could date. He was an awesome friend, but somehow didn’t quite match what they wanted for a boyfriend. In the course of less than five years, he lost his Faith, his faith in humanity, and I believe he was starting to lose faith in himself as well.
Then I come waltzing into his life and don’t even realize that I have totally shaken the foundation of his world. I don’t consider myself all that interesting or amusing or amazing or anything more than somewhere between “weird” and “just on this side of daft.” However, he seems to think I’m pretty cool for some reason or other, and I’m not going to complain because it means I get to to stick around, and he actually wants me to do so. Actually, he asked me to do so on a permanent basis, but that’s just taking the same idea and expanding it. The thing about it is, we both “knew” within the first week of actually meeting that this thing between us, whatever it was, was so very different from anything either of us had previously experienced. Despite both of us searching for days and days to find another explanation, the only one that made sense to either of us was that, maybe we needed to start looking at that very scary Soul-mate explanation.
He wasn’t as hesitant to look at it as I was. For me, it was scary because I had already resigned myself to being more or less permanently single my entire life while searching for my one and only because I wasn’t going to settle. I had done so once before and it hurt like hell to get out of that marriage and was even worse to try to recover from. If this man whom I had just met was really my Soul-mate… how in the world was I going to rewrite my entire foreseeable future? Again. Because despite being weirdly in sync with him about so many things, I still didn’t actually know the man. Despite knowing that I loved him and trusted him and genuinely knew I was safe with him, I had no clue why I felt safe around him. I knew him, I loved him, I trusted him, I was ready to live my entire life with him, but I had no clue why I was okay with all of that after less than a week!
Luckily, I was done with questioning and fighting fate and tired of feeling stressed and like I was out of control of my own life, so rather than pulling away, I said fine, let’s see where this goes. And so did he. And together we have fallen into a routine that is so perfectly us, and yet took so little effort and was already known. There are so many little things that are telling me I was looking for him all my life without really knowing it.
– Despite really liking the Mediterranean Jewish look on guys, the three men I have been with have had darkish blond hair and blue/green eyes
– My first boyfriend has the same birthday as my fiance
– My first boyfriend was in the same class at CSM as my fiance (I like ’em geeky and smart, what can I say?)
– My first husband (stupid, stupid, stupid) I met in the Army while apparently my fiance had his reserve drill in the same building that I did, just upstairs
– And several other things that aren’t coming to mind now but that I may add later.
I know it seems silly, but some part of me feels like I knew what I was looking for… but that I was just half a step off from the universe and couldn’t manage to get phased back in. He on the other hand, said that he could just never find what he was looking for and so he kept turning back to what was comfortable, which eventually turned into his worst heartbreak.
Well, we found each other, and I’ve managed to restore some of his faith in some part of the universe. Because now if is asked about true love or Soul-mates, he has only to look to his side to see proof for both, in his mind at least. And he’s restored my belief in Fate, so I suppose we’re even in that sense.
And now that I’ve officially meandered far more than I had ever intended to, I will bid you farewell.