How do you love?

Do you love many things, many people?

Or are you more restrained, cautious and careful and pensive in your expression of love?

I love many things, many people. It is just a part of me. It’s part of the extremes I use to describe everything in my life. I tend to “love” more things that “hate” or “despise” because they are so very painful and thus something to be avoided (in most instances) but there are so many levels between the love I feel for my husband which is the most… well, the most everything that I feel, and the despair or loathing that I feel for those that intentionally hurt anyone else for their own amusement or pleasure.

The point of this being that I long to know what it is that you love. I long to know how others experience love. I want to experience their love and they experience mine and we can both grow in our own understanding of others and expand how we can love ourselves and others.

I know that the love I feel for the different people in my life is as different as the individuals. There is the sweet, gentle, amusing love that I feel toward a certain 9 month old. She doesn’t melt my heart – her smiles are too infectious to allow such things. Then there is the cautious and protected and slightly painful love I feel toward my father. And the safe and protected and understood love for my mother. The exasperated, eyes-rolling, smiling love I feel toward my brother.

Then there’s the love that dwarfs the others. It’s nearly painful, in an odd sort of way. It’s a sudden swelling over of everything that my heart, both physical and metaphorical, is capable of holding twice over. It’s my brain forgetting to tell my lungs to expand or relax for moments at a time. It’s a rush of energy through my veins, a tingling along every nerve, an expansion of my mind and spirit outside of where I define the boundary between myself and the rest of the world. It’s a desire to feel the soul that can cause all these sensations and experiences to cascade through my entire being. And the relief at that touching? Enough to make me cry when I really allow myself to think about it. And all that is before he says or does something that makes me laugh or smile or shake my head in disbelief that there is someone in this world as absurd and dorky and sweet and wonderful as this man I have tied my life to.

Honestly, it’s quite unbelievable to me that I even have the capacity to feel all that. I was pretty certain I was broken. I had closed myself off to the chance of feeling anything more than the relieved, protecting, gentle happy-sad sort of love that I feel for my cats. See the song Hallelujah for a relatively accurate portrayal of how I felt I would always be stuck at. “Love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah…” Rufus Wainwright has one of the best versions of this in my humble opinion, but that is a very mild tangent.

The point here being that I am curious. I want to know how and what it is that other people love. Or hate. Or fear. Or rejoice. Or any number of other emotions. What do these things mean to other people. What do they all mean to me? How are they the same, how are they different? What do I have to do in order to be given the opportunity to understand or know this? Is that even an option? How will my perception of the world change? So many questions, but no way that I’m aware of to find the answers. At least not in this lifetime, not in this world or using my current understanding of reality.

Maybe I can find a way in my dreams? That would be nice. And a very nice change of pace from what I have been experiencing. On to something new and different? Yes, please.

O.O Do Not Like

First, I know I totally failed at the daily blog thing. Apparently getting home after 3am one night and then working the weekend and being distracted by my fiance and Jaime and Claire in Outlander is enough to make me forget about blogging.

Tonight though I am blogging because I need to try to calm down a bit. I have never felt so much panic as what I did tonight while on my way back home from the movies. I was following my fiance home and watched him nearly get rear-ended while going 65 mph while changing lanes. It was probably the most terrifying thing I’ve experienced in, well, ever. It involved more panic and physical reactions on my part than when I had a drunk, psychotic patient grabbing for an eight-inch knife from a co-worker or any of the times when I was doing military training with live ammunition (because really, who trusts the idiots that are people in basic training?) or any of the times I tried to kill myself when I was a kid. Honestly, I discovered tonight that I really could not care less about my health and safety when compared to my fiance’s. It is both an interesting discovery and one that makes me wonder just how much it is possible to love another. Apparently enough so to feel as though I was watching my entire world disappear.

Luckily for me the entire thing lasted no more than three seconds and everyone is safe and fine and I had at least 12 minutes to calm down enough that I was able to grab him into a bear hug and tell him he’s not allowed to ever do that again as soon as we were both out of our vehicles. If I hadn’t had that time and some soothing music, I’m not so sure I would have managed to not burst into tears as soon as I touched him. That would have been rather embarrassing you know.

Anywho, I’m off to remind him that he’s not allowed to go away in any sort of permanent sense. Again.


A Very Nice Memory

I normally don’t post twice in the same day. But, this is a new blog and I’m still bored and recovering from getting my tonsils removed so hopefully you can forgive me. I’m going to share with you a bit of the conversation I had a few days ago that made realize that I really do need to start writing again, if for no other reason than to help siphon some of the crazy intense emotions I have taken hostage in my heart and head.

“Do you believe in true love or Soul-mates?”

“Well, I found you, didn’t I?”

Now, I’ve had this conversation with my fiance in the past and so his answer is not precisely new to me. It’s just that when he answers that way to that particular question it sends the most delicious sparks traveling all along my nervous system and fire through my veins. Yes, I know that’s a metaphor, yadda yadda yadda, however, when I feel the sudden increase in energy and heat in my body, I cannot help but use those metaphors as descriptors and hope that a reader will realize they’re more than just a few words typed across a page.

You see, my fiance is a fairly practical man who has had his heart broken several different ways in the last four years. He was previously engaged and it was ended because she had an epiphany that he would hold her back from realizing her potential of becoming a neurosurgeon. (Um, the man in question was working on masters degree and had just recently graduated only 1 semester late from CSM with a double-bachelors in two separate engineering fields and the only reason he was late at all was because he had been required by the Army to change around classes for a cancelled deployment. He did all that while working full time jobs and paying his own rent and tuition and everything. How in the world would he have held anyone back from getting an education?) His father had passed away from throat cancer, his older brother was using his family to support his drug and alcohol habit as well as involuntary resources for income while he was in various half-way homes, and he had heard over and over that he was a really great guy, but that he just wasn’t the kind of guy that girls could date. He was an awesome friend, but somehow didn’t quite match what they wanted for a boyfriend. In the course of less than five years, he lost his Faith, his faith in humanity, and I believe he was starting to lose faith in himself as well.

Then I come waltzing into his life and don’t even realize that I have totally shaken the foundation of his world. I don’t consider myself all that interesting or amusing or amazing or anything more than somewhere between “weird” and “just on this side of daft.” However, he seems to think I’m pretty cool for some reason or other, and I’m not going to complain because it means I get to to stick around, and he actually wants me to do so. Actually, he asked me to do so on a permanent basis, but that’s just taking the same idea and expanding it. The thing about it is, we both “knew” within the first week of actually meeting that this thing between us, whatever it was, was so very different from anything either of us had previously experienced. Despite both of us searching for days and days to find another explanation, the only one that made sense to either of us was that, maybe we needed to start looking at that very scary Soul-mate explanation.

He wasn’t as hesitant to look at it as I was. For me, it was scary because I had already resigned myself to being more or less permanently single my entire life while searching for my one and only because I wasn’t going to settle. I had done so once before and it hurt like hell to get out of that marriage and was even worse to try to recover from. If this man whom I had just met was really my Soul-mate… how in the world was I going to rewrite my entire foreseeable future? Again. Because despite being weirdly in sync with him about so many things, I still didn’t actually know the man. Despite knowing that I loved him and trusted him and genuinely knew I was safe with him, I had no clue why I felt safe around him. I knew him, I loved him, I trusted him, I was ready to live my entire life with him, but I had no clue why I was okay with all of that after less than a week!

Luckily, I was done with questioning and fighting fate and tired of feeling stressed and like I was out of control of my own life, so rather than pulling away, I said fine, let’s see where this goes. And so did he. And together we have fallen into a routine that is so perfectly us, and yet took so little effort and was already known. There are so many little things that are telling me I was looking for him all my life without really knowing it.
– Despite really liking the Mediterranean Jewish look on guys, the three men I have been with have had darkish blond hair and blue/green eyes
– My first boyfriend has the same birthday as my fiance
– My first boyfriend was in the same class at CSM as my fiance (I like ’em geeky and smart, what can I say?)
– My first husband (stupid, stupid, stupid) I met in the Army while apparently my fiance had his reserve drill in the same building that I did, just upstairs
– And several other things that aren’t coming to mind now but that I may add later.

I know it seems silly, but some part of me feels like I knew what I was looking for… but that I was just half a step off from the universe and couldn’t manage to get phased back in. He on the other hand, said that he could just never find what he was looking for and so he kept turning back to what was comfortable, which eventually turned into his worst heartbreak.

Well, we found each other, and I’ve managed to restore some of his faith in some part of the universe. Because now if is asked about true love or Soul-mates, he has only to look to his side to see proof for both, in his mind at least. And he’s restored my belief in Fate, so I suppose we’re even in that sense.

And now that I’ve officially meandered far more than I had ever intended to, I will bid you farewell.